to Daniel with care

to Daniel with care

I finished my journal-

a year of thought in a back pocket.

Its end is the dusting of February flakes.

I leave footprints.

In this and the next,

both bound in black and seeped with blue.

Blue so dark it's mismatched black.

Because I stare out windows

to diamonds covered in snow.

I welcome the cold.

It's familiar and comforting,

but I want you to see.

We are but manifested emotions

and I am most assuredly freezing.

Support

Support

to Bill

the shaking of fingers over obsidian keys

reminds me of my inadequacies

my caffeinated jitter is not the result of the soda,

but of the jolt of emotion I felt when my phone vibrated six times.

his call to me was a heightened emotion

that gave credence to the bull ring attached unnaturally to his nose.

Reds surrounding, my steam was all but visible when I began to sob.

You were a hug.

You were blurred jade eyes full of unwarranted  concern.

You were not understanding but understanding I need.

I need, when bloodshot eyes confuse city lights for fireflies,

to feel something is still solid- the proper combination of atoms

making mass. That something is solid, and carrying

me through the mess.

my heart tapped me on my shoulder and whispered in my ear

which is how the night started

in a room across from home.

The K's tried to win a round

from a stance of plain unknowing,

which meant nothing to the seriousness

of their opponents calm throwing.

I cared not to play

save for Daniel's carefree dancing

and E and B were just a fit

of amusing teammate fighting.

Fighting. I am fighting

an undefined category of more adult feeling.

I know that I am not unhappy,

but I do not know, concer to Spanish,

the feeling that we define as happy.

But if this is what it is,

feeling free to display feeling.

Then, I think I can do happy.

I think I can live happily.

When a world of bright lights

on curtained hardwood stages

is vacillating between being safe and tumbling

the scintilla of hope contained

in my uncategorized responses

is supported only by friends

who are closer than I imagined.

I gave effort to looking

straight into Bill's eyes,

but entropic tears blurred

already clouded sight.

Fingers trembled in inch long hair

and then he hugged me.

Apoyar- to support.

Amor is to love,

Romantic in Spanish.

In English to love

is being fully supported.

SBST '10 (her eyes make the stars look dull)

It was Tuesday.

We ran outside. The stars

were bright in the crisp Wyoming air.

Friday came.

She was sad.

He was angry.

We were disappointed.

She checked out.

I don't know what happened,

but an eagle flew by as we drove out,

carrying our prayers to heaven.

Dear God, can we make it?

SBST '10 (Hydrate, man)

Hydrate, man

Hydrate, man.

Fill your emptiness with cheap thrills

and easy girls- guys too if you want it.

Hydrate, man.

Let yourself be so full of your

own thought and of your convictions.

Hydrate, man.

Fill your time with fake conversation

and superficial friends.

Hydrate, man,

but when you want to be fulfilled

remember to pour yourself out.

SBST '10 (4)

There was feeling tonight.

They say that you cannot forget

your first love, but I don't know

if that is true. I have yet to love.

But I have lived.

In living I have felt

and there was so much to feel tonight.

I felt them close to tears,

and I remembered the warmth

of salted water on my cheeks.

I felt their joy

and I lost myself to tribal music,

drums leading my feet.

I felt their smug attitude

and ignored it to supplement my mood-

pensive but not notably so.

I felt his agitation,

it reminded me that we all feel.

Then I remembered that I hate feeling.

I hate feeling vulnerable.

I hate feeling open.

I hate feeling judged,

but I need to be judged to love.

SBST '10 (3)

there's an aura about her

akin to the glow that surrounds a candle.

It starts bright and moves to illuminate

all those around it.

I think it starts in her eyes-

sincere emotion thinly veiled behind green,

she reaches out to touch everyone near her.

She is a ripple in a pond.

We are a disturbance too.

Everything we do will move.

We are an action; there will be a reaction.

SBST '10 (diamond)

We sit in a diamond and

a diamond is a person-

the center, the heart.

We sit in a square

because we care. In this place

this group is my drum.

It beats. We beat.

Each thought, each word,

is a pulse, a pull

at my heart.

Meaning that I care and

for this week, this time,

this group is family.

SBST '10

this post and the next 5 are all results of my service trip

Marty rests on a couch too short

for his body. It's a noble sacrifice

that almost makes up for his fall.

The others are close to sleep.

I know it's not yet time to dream.

I opt for animal crackers instead.

Snacks reminiscent of days past,

when hikes were commonplace

and adventure was my backyard.

I think I'll find that again.

Here, where mountains stand

majestically lining a tundra painting.