it's like I don't exist

when you don't talk to me

for what feels like

weeks, as if I suddenly

matter only in my dreams.

you haunt me the way

sharks circle shores,

the way a mailbox feels

empty- the feeling that I

feel as I fill this sheet.

empty save the coals

smoldering like words on a page.

untitled 8-30

"I want to believe... that a song

drifting on invisible waves still exists somewhere." Betsy Sholl

I want to believe you exist.

Riding woe the same way I do,

you're catching waves until we meet.

You're holding secrets that make blood-red sleeves

the way I'm holding secrets in my pockets.

You're catching eyes that drift right by,

but you've never found a fit.

Because you want to dance on moonlit shores

twinkling your stars with the beat.

Because your heart is pulling with the tides

the way mine pulls just for yours.

Because right now you do exist somewhere

sitting lonely on a pier.

And I want to meet you and be the

musical whisper in your ear.

Mountains

for Mike

Butterflies...

blue butterflies over gray hills

make me think that life is worth the climb.

We are not so lucky to soar.

We climb, some steeper than others,

up cliffs of broken hearts and dreams.

We belay over piles of promises

and take rests at indifference's peaks.

You're like a piton,

holding me up.

You're like the clear view

after a stint in depression's valley.

You're a friend,

someone with a clear mind.

You're a song telling me,

"Everything is alright."

And I believe you.

I believe in you.

Somehow,

after every talk I'm calm.

Like, you're a catharsis.

Like I reach a peak in the plot

diagram of my life and you make a resolution.

Somehow I'm fine.

I wanted to tell you:

thank you.

Everything is alright.

untitled 8-26

in my weeping willow down the street

the branches hung longer than Rapunzel's hair.

I wasn't aware that by the channel

Mitchell could be such a rebel,

and no amount of begging please

could save the life of those poor bees.

Buzzing bees, angry jackets

yellow flying at my waiting head.

Pain.

Mitchell usually meant pain

after the age of thirteen.

Too cool for me was he

then, a middle school man.

Bright, bustling age of eleven,

and I'm in search of a new best friend.

Moving on to half past thirteen

and Mitchell's there to hold me, sobbing.

I did a lot of sobbing.

Over broken bones,

or broken hearted,

I cried more tears

than Mitchell spotted.

But when he did,

and this was sure,

a helping hand

was always there.

Even Keel

I'm on an even keel,

I think it's just the drugs.

SSRI and stabilized.

Bipolar? down to zero.

What am I without the label?

Who am I on the drugs?

What is it to be different

while just striving for the same?

So I'm stable, so I'm sane.

So I'm crazy, and I'm ill.

Well, I'm tired and I'm bored,

and I'm ready for the world.

While I'm sitting in this class

and I listen to him speak

I can't help but to notice

no one really gives a damn.

there's a weeping willow in the backyard

Mitchell and Rocco have a game.

It's a we can do it, catch us game.

I don't catch on.

Slower and unsure,

I waddle my way through life.

Acting,

I'm always acting.

Gotta make sure they know

I'm strong.

Gotta make sure

I'm better than them.

Mom and Dad insist I win.

Do good in school,

you'll make it far.

They don't know...

it should be well.

They don't care though-

it only matters that I understand.

Gotta shine,

gotta win.

Gotta make sure they know

I'm better than them.

Lauren's acting out on a whim.

Shes fire; she's hot.

She's Puerto Rican flame.

She burns; she fights.

She's not alright.

I'll show her who's right.

I smolder, don't burn.

Passion needs a steady heat.

I'm right, so right.

Surely, I'm better than her.

I'm wrong, so wrong.

I should have never run away.

I'm fleeing; I'm seeking.

I'm finding out what's right.

I'm stress relieving play-doh,

and pacing halls.

I'm crazy, mental illness.

I'm everything wrong.

But,

I'm me.

I'm persistent.

I'm moving on.

I know that at some point

I'll be alright.

I can see soul

We are ordinary people

We are strong

We are brave

We are lovers

We have hate

We are freed

We are tied

We are finders

We are found

We can see

We can sing

We can smile

We can cry

And I know

in my heart

that the truth is

we all die.

But before

we all go

we are people

and we grow.

untitled 8-6-10

Stick your head out the window

take a picture of the sky.

Feel the wind in your hair;

let your feelings fly.

Feel the sun, summer on your skin.

Smile, basking with closed eyelids,

road trip with Kim at the wheel.

Lucky, luckier if she knew how you feel.

Text from Daniel makes you laugh,

knowing he knows the feelings you have.

Call from Laura brings good news.

You wonder how it feels to be in her shoes.

Hot car- too many layers.

You're getting tired.

Dashboard plays and you sleep.

It's time to start anew this week.

reasons i'm nervous

1) because I like you

can't you see it?

every action

is a flirtation

every hug

i want a kiss

2) because my life changed

isn't it obvious?

i'm losing friends

for a job

i'm not sure i'm okay

with the choice

3) being honest

it's a scary thing

i want it badly

but who's to say

it'll all be okay?

4) because life is scary

didn't you know?

things aren't easy

at least not for me.

Sometimes that's okay,

but sometimes I wanna cry.

it's scary, feeling alive

the trains pass every 15 minutes.

it's the hardest place to speak,

but instead of being silent

we learn to tell our lies.

It's easier this way,

holding up our fake image.

Except, my arms are weary,

my spirit, my soul, tired.

I want a life lived honest.

I want a love held tight.

I want a mind of self-confidence.

I want to be alright.

I want to feel like I'm soaring;

I want to be chain-free.

I want to know where the ground is

for when my wings can't carry me.

I want to want things without being scared

that someone will know I learned to want.

I did,

and the truth of the matter is:

what I really want is to want,

and right now all I want is you.