Friday, December 26, 2008


at the start a hope in the middle a crisis at the end submission our circle of life how does it look are you alright babe? doesn't seem so nice this ain't the disney version our endless round doesn't move the soul


So I sit here and instead of writing that usual vapid little poem I think I'm going to try something different. But, alas, I find myself writing my way into circles. Constantly, consistently I find myself thinking the same thoughts and coming to the same conclusions. I don't have anything fresh or new to add. I am not a unique voice. I haven't even written a word, and, yet, I know that it isn't worth the effort. Back myself up against that immovable wall because baby nothing is breaking through this dim.


sometimes that's all there is one word from one tiny language toast do you know why i'm toast? because I am no longer capable I don't wake up to the sounds of my mother making it I don't wake up to the sound of a wife serving it I don't wake up to children seeking it I have lost myself I have lost the way if toast is no longer something to celebrate then it is done; obliterate


one word so little time to gear myself to your crime and if you were to be my muse would you hold on to me despite the abuse and if i were to be your all and i stopped your fall would you move to that word's groove? love our little word
Joe's right it's the perfect time to write while in tune with the night feeling slumber's tender fright there's no sleep in darkest light our drunken hearts can't face the fight and as I played the moment passed too focused to sense the time to write I've lost the sight I lack the might but heed this warning-you'll make it right you'll save us from the dark night's plight
another person walks down the hall shadow reflecting on the glazed white walls and I shed a tear for another love a piece of my heart now removed I want to tell them this is everything I want to scream that we are free but I'm paralyzed in my fear and darkened chaos brings drops to my cheeks
here I am. isn't that something? I guess I never realized before but I'm standing here knocking on your door isn't it funny? that we all happen to be on this earth at the same time and in the same place we have the chance at something great
I want you to want to talk to me say something first please
gosh! a hello is all I need so what, forget your bitter heart now what? you've closed yourself off but if you just say hi I'd guide you back into this life trust me, it's okay to cry
I want you to want to talk to me is that so wrong? you don't mind my interruptions (that's what you said) but you don't initiate the conversation it's like you never cared and that's all I need to hear
I wish I could tell you that I belong but if I told you the truth I'd be disowned I'm not normal- not part of your group I don't like that type; that's the truth
the boy of eighteen who could do anything he played on the piano he captured photographs what hearts desire and no one knows and still he chose to be betrothed of a silly school in midwest recluse to struggle daily for a game without mercy he says it's the program he says for education but I know it's something different he came here for love of an incomprehensible game and he won't tell me what but something matters in that play something grander than pitching balls and swinging graceless bats something worthwhile something true the boy who can do anything found something with meaning he's better than me I flounder in the sea
such a severe lack of connection I need to have communication so I can tell you whats gone wrong and you can tell me to be strong I'm gonna write of Love will I be accepted? will I be loved? will you be my love? no of course you won't forbidden love that is not merely by society but my mind as well as taboo as strange a fight within myself
aware as I breathe in and push out the smell of dip brings thoughts of you and the worries of today vacate their presence in my skin
did I tell you that I lied about wanting to cry and giving it a try my heart is yours to keep my hand is yours to abuse I do not doubt intent but I know regret if that piano could play my tune my fingers would give love to those keys
no i can't if i did I'd cry and crying means something is wrong-with me in me around me if i cry you're right and i don't want to be wrong; I don't want to be wrong i want to be well, and, well, I'm all wrong
if i look into my heart will i be loved? if i move closer will i be loved? if i live for today will i be loved? if i chase my dreams will i be loved? if I'm alive will i be loved? do i deserve to be loved? Oh God! tell me i'm loved i need to be loved...
if I'm alone then you should know that I do care and you're nowhere
like eagles flying over sea what is alone is powerful but I have strength of only fleas I try to fight but fear festers in my might
I'm bound to wait for you cuz it's just what I do so I sit here in my darkened room as I wait for you to count the steps twenty from where you are to me it feels like an eternity perhaps because you never planned to make the trip to save me from my gloom or did you simply forget distracted by women and the drink I couldn't wait any longer I took the window to my doom

Friday, December 5, 2008


i wish i had a muse something to give me words to use but i have nothing but this stoic heart unused to words to grab at stars and unsure how to write my heart my soul my mind my love my time i need it all and i desire more just one stab at something right

Sunday, November 23, 2008


held i wish you had held onto me in a hug an embrace why didn't you look into my face my eyes so full of pain they held the tears of your refrain and i couldn't tell you you wouldn't hear that i loved you and you walked out the door

Thursday, November 20, 2008

like a symbiotic relationship i cling steadily to you but unlike the lucky parasite i aim to gain but only lose

Thursday, October 30, 2008

i want to feel at least something cuz then i know that i'm not nothing but now i don't i cannot feel my mind is empty my heart knows nothing

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

there is more to him than i can see not that i can't see the pictures are crystal quality but my mind is empty the feel of prospective clothes or the racks-what did the racks look like? only my heartbeat is clear an eager patter quickening in my chest my lungs are short of breath in its earnest rhythm it seeks the warmth that surges steadily if only i could die no person could I know
the spectators only watched as we did real work charged and pulled together into one another the elemental reaction forced us to separate i to it and it to you precipitate?
he cried before my eyes then later he apologized why wouldn't he tell me and why was there shame his pain is nothing of which to be ashamed i tried to tell him; i tried to show that crying is strength and sharing is brave i was honored
i think that was the last thing i wrote that he cried before my eyes then later he apologized and suddenly they all disappeared with hallways vacant and the mall cleared and Tim and I spent the night with paper clip bows to stage a fight and then he too went away with just the washers to keep my ghosts away until I too left that place and nothing remained but that's okay a story place told by a story face
Hey! you didn't have to relate But you did, and I appreciate The simple way you gave me cake The dorky way- completely fake You made me smile, and I'll take Whatever it is to me you fate I'm happy just that you relate.
Es importante que yo tenga un amigo que me apoye en la vida. Do you understand me? I need someone to support me! But, as of now I'm doing well. I don't notice that it's missing, but like a tower made with Jenga one drop will make me flop.
i want to feel safe period, end of statement that's what I want no, what I need humans don't like surprises i don't enjoy the experience of stress so what is it i do? when emotions threaten to spill and depression is ready to fill where do i turn? to paper and pen or to a friend do i have a friend? a rock on which to lean in to which I can rant where can i claim a steady source for myself?
i cannot believe the stupidity what do I do? What could I have done? They are in a serious amount of trouble. Why would they? How could they? They could have stopped it. I should have stopped it. Did I really just witness that? Such a display of hot-headedness. Now I am stuck and now I am terrified. This is too much to worry over. I almost sought help. Maybe I should have spoken earlier. No, I know I should have. I don't know anything and yet I know all I know that this was wrong- I know I'm wrought with worry
a splotch of orange in a field of gray not just any gray cold and unfeeling hard stony faces slabs of dead rock make it only a world of gray the kind of gray that fills and flows the kind of fate that overbears the one burst of hope flutters away
no quiero estar en clase well it's true trust me, it isn't you it is this awful gloom created in this goddamn room and this ridiculous time a quarter to nine?! why am i here with you in that chair will this class improve or will rhetoric be moot
no quiero estar en clase well it's true. it isn't because of the class it is simply due to you you're mean you drama queen a theater woman of the highest degree your jokes antagonize me so I want to leave leave this place and get outa your face no more literature please at least no more english with you
a gloomy day for my dreary mood but that was yesterday today i plan to improve impose on you my enjoyment of spanish spanglish really. i ain't fluent fluid transfer of thoughts and emotions you're my best friend he is the closest thing here i get excited to say hi and with you i get by her i like. no really i like the way she smiles the way she moves those lively eyes make my body tremble shake! my world is collapsing test i can't take papers i don't make oh me. ah you! you won't help not in that way life will have its way
when i see you sitting there in that cushioned curved back chair such pain intensifies inside will you ever look- acknowledge me these shakes are emptying
the right
to be annoyed
with silly rules
and irrelevant topics
who said I need relationships
at least the ones you say
if I have these kinds of issues
I'll let you know and I will change
I it we us gone time leave my bye
just stand up admit to what you've done and when you're done be proud you are who you have become
something to make him feel better that would be grand did you see him just there- stand ing gently in the mirror i saw a man more like a god and a heart more like a child vulnerable in the greatest fashion he held it in, but i saw the tear
no puedo te ayudo no puedo te siento no puedo te soy y cuando te quiero tĂș no puedes me amas


murmur like your body surrounding me the trickle of your words resonating deep within the feel of your breath a sequence of sparks throughout my skin the sweat glazing like a dew the nakedness of me to you as you to me seem angelic i extend to claim your chalice
I have a friend named Christine who is everything to me except she cannot be my love then where would I be
if I were to try, truly try would I let you down? why didn't you help me? I gave it my all I tried to stay alive but you just let me die
so calm i folded towels for two hours do you notice something? besides my heart you prude i think we are missing is it just me or is it eerily quiet what happened to my music?

yellow highlighter

yellow highlighter don't let me down in neon you illuminate bright lines of importance right and wrong you don't differentiate but you do, don't you your toxins display my best and worse with indifference you operate so yellow highlighter what are you on this day motivator or depressant go on- illuminate
have you ever had the feeling no one wants to talk? not in general but just to you like the friends you thought that you might have decide that it would be best to wholly abstain from contact with you in any form and from giving you the satisfaction of the form oh my they can be so kind i only wish i could survive alone
i woke up to the sound of rain never again to feel the pain as ghostly shells of the past i move beyond your haunting grasp

i love that smile

i love that smile... when he came and stood in my doorm doorway, he grinned wide and waved hi- i knew i met something grand
i love the power that racing feeling that comes from knowing every feeling and with each thought and every heartbeat i move closer to all by releasing my all emotions make poetry i guide the hand and when the two combine my body is ecstasy

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

pride? like how proud you said you were of me? fighting stunned closed falling running I wish you could see me now I'll show you someone with real pride to have to hold be forever mine not once did I betray the vow the pride with which you sold your soul to that work I can't believe you'll be there tonight I never once took another into my lie
that would be nice- to have thoughts spray like water droplets onto the page as if a sprinkler glazed the lines with blotches of black ink you think? have I yet lost myself to the light or reflective displays on windows and white panes? an hour of my life I have spent today doing nothing but staring at this page
"Steve, I don't know what to say." "I dunno man. What is it that you are thinking bout?" I'm thinking about nothing... and in turn everything. Like, I can't say actually. Maybe I don't know anything.
No quiero amigos ¿I don't want friends? is that what you meant? that you didn't mean a word or that you'd rather be alone I've spent those days before in times when I am you, and you are blue with swirling thoughts and life unclaimed tearing holes inside of you pretentious sects only pretend in times when goals to help obtain what I said is not quite true quiero tener amigos, but just not you
sometimes you are just in the mood to empathize as if everything in the world is speaking to you like the still bird on the sidewalk of our ironclad words the earth is softly breathing in our hearts soul has been known throughout our lands if our eyes are just white elephants in thought what is it in heart we are to ignite?

Sunday, September 7, 2008

woah woh oh if that's how it's spelled the sound of joy before the mix of trippy beats what happened- it's cool. relax. this jack spread its groove across you to omaha we reached out to the floor wild in youth we dance in nude not of clothes but pretenses that's how I met you
vision a needle poking your eye sight comes from- heart aches

fever dreams

this one can't be formatted the way i have it in my notebook, but whatever
fever dreams only haunt while the fever holds my dream to be complete but this fever never breaks the energy always remains

socially antisocial

socially antisocial leads to this- feeling like what is there is never enough, that hope will always bring regret. the cute guy never finds his Satine- like the consumption took my love before I had a chance to say hi
that's why i'm upset not that there isn't anyone around not that the music isn't my style not that the fort isn't a fort not that the dance isn't but that that they snuck off for fun fun of the darker color you hold it in a cup you end up with a cop
it was just their ploy a facade to more devious needs you never heard of dew pong? me either- who woulda figured? if they really needed to ninja then why didn't they just say it?
i'm disappointed by their need to be forgotten forget themselves forget each other hey why not forget forever? because my poison is my own choice my need to be pushed to a stupor is required if i didn't what is it i'd be? the id is inside me the ego is about me if i move furtively then i can find sleep
the song i wrote was for you the martyr in our suicide the angels praise your name the moonlight strikes your hair lets go out tonight let our hearts freeze and burn
i don't know why i sit alone in a busy room i could be happy i could be fun instead i'm glum with the weight of days to come days when tentative friendships are betrayed I'll guard myself from those days no i can't run away but i can remain a pessimist

it isn't that i don't miss you

it isn't that I don't miss you I do it's true i miss your smile and that ferocious glare the way you go wild and hold it all in your directed lack of direction towards nothing we climb to everything i need that too not just you so why don't i communicate i don't want to miss my chance to find it here too
californian music mixed with good ole fashioned farm values and a need to be accepted a suspected homosexual mixed together with the man that just got play and don't forget the socially awkward hoping college means a new chance at friendship where do you stand in the mix of misfits how do you collide without the danger of collision

i'm not better than these games

i'm not better than these games i have been found guilty i have no kiss to offer no greater self to share than what i give now this is my inner self fully here to read listen as i speak don't judge you're here

it's that reserved nature

it's that reserved nature- controlled and calibrating is it that he knows he doesn't need anyone? he traveled across the land for a purpose his purpose lies unknown, but he feels it pulling at him keeping him from wild loose lost in adolescence ready to scream party exert himself physically musically he combines himself into what one would say a man sure he has a place and right

this situation

I haven't had time to assess this situation. my head swirls with thoughts of people and places while I am caught up in a tempest of fresh faces...and unknown facets of life- guys constantly looking for lust boys finding drunken ramblings better for them to forget that they can be caught MIP: my insecure person cannot bear to bare itself to anyone else

you're not a poet if you can't say it

you're not a poet if you can't say it "say it?" "yeah" "what" "poet" do it do it with words bristling the tip of ya tongue with hearts blazing from thoughts yet formed do it for yourself to let the world see you do it for the world to let the people hear you "see you" "hear you" listen

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

you pushed me to poetry what does that mean? that I'm crazy and you're mean that guitars have strings and pianos need hammers what happens when we go digital and hammers can't play broken strings?
hands shadowed breach soft lights hearts shallow beat long nights tears dropping scream decibels silent insurance not answerable
I'm purple but I'm red I'm yellow cuz I'm scared I need green for healing I lack white assured hope I see black displayed hurt i dream fantasies i'm real
i can't do this i have to do this i love you but not like that well, sometimes i just want to be glad i made it i want to have made it made it with you we're separated i'm glad i made it seperated 11:11 means i wish for love nerves prove life needs more than bohemia
jump into water into life without clothes on into sight lets be wild lets be young lets be free while time is ours one summer night we spend together these hearts don't care we leave forever

Friday, August 15, 2008

practice writing

here is a bit of practice writing i don't feel like editing or formatting. i'm giving it to you exactly the way it came out on paper just write. for lets say 15 minutes I will just write. the night was magic. so calm and dull but unbelievably wild. this air we breathe is blessed for you and me. the reds and purples mixed in with yellows and for a moment nothing else mattered. except for the shooting star we sat and watched. when i wished for love you looked enthralled by pinpricks of light billions of years off. in their reflection i grasper you eyes. except for the kiss we shared under that shooting star. it was short- a burst of love. it was just what i wished for and then i got more. i got a sunrise over the lake house where we first made love. i got a child with your hazel eyes. one day he'll look into a lover's eyes and see the stars in the sky. we are young but the day is new. one day i might spend a day with you. with you as a lake under the sky's beating rays. my skin sticky with sweat i suggest a swim. we don't mind the time we strip and jump. the water is cool unlike your touch. right now we're innocent listening to the birds cheerfully chirp. will our love change when we know more than just youth? will we still watch clouds under pale blue dkies? will we still lock eyes and know each others love?
heart to heart mouth to mouth eyes gaze wide into your night i move slowly determined not to scare you gasp softly determined not to fear entwined wholly under night's eyes we love fully together you and i

Friday, August 8, 2008

i should try for sleep the state in which you find your dreams and during which you can create any wish you desire to live if i do try for sleep i would discover nothing new but in my dreams i might relive the feelings i feel for you
I woke up to the sound of rain Its cry never ceases to amaze In its drumming I lose my pain Like the opaque sheets create a haze Of course the faze can't fully drain The well of angst found within this craze As my feelings turn to downpour and the signs point to lightning I find myself seeking rainbows in my need to leave God's grace

love or hate?

if you love me tear me down with such force i break the ground if you love me throw me out leave me lonely by myself if you love me cuss a storm with such rage you make me cry if you love me trash my name leave me friendless with your vice and if you hate me you'll never call to tell me it was all because you love do you love me do you hate me *both*
like hearts we once betrothed you took his but didn't leave your own did you think if you walked out one summer night the world wouldn't notice you took flight?
the streets are wet with rain the scent of which sizzles my sinuses i walk slowly as cars pass i watch their shine in reflective pavement reds and white mix with green stoplights the air ruffles my hair and i feel alive
i let the sounds fill me i let the wall amuse me i let the thoughts come to me i let the pen write me i let emotion shake me i feel my mind awake me
she learned to cry the day lightning lit the sky each flash displayed her outline each crash filled her lungs and if she would have let me see each tear would have earned a kiss
i lived with giving in i have lived unseen i have lived unliving now the song within will not give in


I love to let things flow let the water droplets collide form rives and streams or clouds in the sky in mist or light I want the world see my heartbeat

Sunday, July 20, 2008

I want to show you that I'm sad. Because I looked into her hazel eyes as she cried; it was her saying goodbye. Goodbye after a day where all we did was play. Goodbye to the week of dinner and movies. Goodbye to the month of slow walks down long shores. Goodbye to a year of love in every form. She looked into my eyes and cried. I longed to hold her but she said "Good-bye."
One plus one equals me and you in the nude. Or is it a cow flying over the moon? I get confused when you refuse the sounds of a piano or this great muse. If lime is green and you are seen- does that make me feel? Your hair is eighty-two. Not in physical appearance, but because your soul resembles a raisin. Adios! the rain died.
water droplets on my window leave streaks that tear right through my soul I sit here and softly smile as I realize the world is whole
I am a water droplet in mid flight I am a thunderstorm in the middle of the night I am the cool feel of water on skin Can't you feel me from deep within? I am your thunder and lightning I am your heart exploding I am ending soon; once again I become the moon.
the water pours onto rocks as if pounding thoughts into our hearts and as I stood there you walked up to watch it's trying to tell me, the fall at my feet, I can't hear its plea the simple song of serenity
without you i cannot begin to fathom what will i become i'm afraid because i'm leaving comfort can i turn this hurt to joy when I leave you on this day

Friday, July 11, 2008

sunlight refracted through a layer of cerulean water its haze comforting and warm the caress of the waves upon your skin a peaceful gateway forms in the rays as you rest in your soul's favored escape


aquamarine the color of me it flows about a fish in the water it disappears such peace aquamarine when you know you are completely comfortable you know you are free
on this starlit summer night I'm struck with one beautiful sight her body soft touchable supple the skin creamy a perfect white her hair the beach and sand gently flowing in this ocean breeze, she was serene standing bare a glazed stare all her hope lying in that wishing star as my love grew in her fleeting glow
it can make a life just take the heart you have of him spread her everywhere once the subject sees the vessel they know you love

Thursday, July 10, 2008

specks of black upon pure white my life on this world a pinch of sin on an altar purest faith
they're golden leaves turned gray by mans device not to be used but to stand as relics of the past once conquered
I'm a brilliant red; fascinating really. You see her? a vibrant yellow I'd say. And him, a deep purple. But us together, you and me, we make music as our lives collide. In stunning color our love makes light; chemistry is visible and the passion palpable. I want you and you want me. Let our bodies entwine upon this night.
slender in her five-six frame she sits under nights eve in July her eyes are open wide in pure wonder as in awe she watches light explode in the sky those magic lights hold no affect on me it is her smile that makes me cry