Friday, December 26, 2008
So I sit here and instead of writing that usual vapid little poem I think I'm going to try something different. But, alas, I find myself writing my way into circles. Constantly, consistently I find myself thinking the same thoughts and coming to the same conclusions. I don't have anything fresh or new to add. I am not a unique voice. I haven't even written a word, and, yet, I know that it isn't worth the effort. Back myself up against that immovable wall because baby nothing is breaking through this dim.
sometimes that's all there is one word from one tiny language toast do you know why i'm toast? because I am no longer capable I don't wake up to the sounds of my mother making it I don't wake up to the sound of a wife serving it I don't wake up to children seeking it I have lost myself I have lost the way if toast is no longer something to celebrate then it is done; obliterate
Joe's right it's the perfect time to write while in tune with the night feeling slumber's tender fright there's no sleep in darkest light our drunken hearts can't face the fight and as I played the moment passed too focused to sense the time to write I've lost the sight I lack the might but heed this warning-you'll make it right you'll save us from the dark night's plight
another person walks down the hall shadow reflecting on the glazed white walls and I shed a tear for another love a piece of my heart now removed I want to tell them this is everything I want to scream that we are free but I'm paralyzed in my fear and darkened chaos brings drops to my cheeks
the boy of eighteen who could do anything he played on the piano he captured photographs what hearts desire and no one knows and still he chose to be betrothed of a silly school in midwest recluse to struggle daily for a game without mercy he says it's the program he says for education but I know it's something different he came here for love of an incomprehensible game and he won't tell me what but something matters in that play something grander than pitching balls and swinging graceless bats something worthwhile something true the boy who can do anything found something with meaning he's better than me I flounder in the sea
such a severe lack of connection I need to have communication so I can tell you whats gone wrong and you can tell me to be strong I'm gonna write of Love will I be accepted? will I be loved? will you be my love? no of course you won't forbidden love that is not merely by society but my mind as well as taboo as strange a fight within myself
I'm bound to wait for you cuz it's just what I do so I sit here in my darkened room as I wait for you to count the steps twenty from where you are to me it feels like an eternity perhaps because you never planned to make the trip to save me from my gloom or did you simply forget distracted by women and the drink I couldn't wait any longer I took the window to my doom
Friday, December 5, 2008
i wish i had a muse something to give me words to use but i have nothing but this stoic heart unused to words to grab at stars and unsure how to write my heart my soul my mind my love my time i need it all and i desire more just one stab at something right
Sunday, November 23, 2008
Thursday, November 20, 2008
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
there is more to him than i can see not that i can't see the pictures are crystal quality but my mind is empty the feel of prospective clothes or the racks-what did the racks look like? only my heartbeat is clear an eager patter quickening in my chest my lungs are short of breath in its earnest rhythm it seeks the warmth that surges steadily if only i could die no person could I know
i think that was the last thing i wrote that he cried before my eyes then later he apologized and suddenly they all disappeared with hallways vacant and the mall cleared and Tim and I spent the night with paper clip bows to stage a fight and then he too went away with just the washers to keep my ghosts away until I too left that place and nothing remained but that's okay a story place told by a story face
i want to feel safe period, end of statement that's what I want no, what I need humans don't like surprises i don't enjoy the experience of stress so what is it i do? when emotions threaten to spill and depression is ready to fill where do i turn? to paper and pen or to a friend do i have a friend? a rock on which to lean in to which I can rant where can i claim a steady source for myself?
i cannot believe the stupidity what do I do? What could I have done? They are in a serious amount of trouble. Why would they? How could they? They could have stopped it. I should have stopped it. Did I really just witness that? Such a display of hot-headedness. Now I am stuck and now I am terrified. This is too much to worry over. I almost sought help. Maybe I should have spoken earlier. No, I know I should have. I don't know anything and yet I know all I know that this was wrong- I know I'm wrought with worry
no quiero estar en clase well it's true. it isn't because of the class it is simply due to you you're mean you drama queen a theater woman of the highest degree your jokes antagonize me so I want to leave leave this place and get outa your face no more literature please at least no more english with you
a gloomy day for my dreary mood but that was yesterday today i plan to improve impose on you my enjoyment of spanish spanglish really. i ain't fluent fluid transfer of thoughts and emotions you're my best friend he is the closest thing here i get excited to say hi and with you i get by her i like. no really i like the way she smiles the way she moves those lively eyes make my body tremble shake! my world is collapsing test i can't take papers i don't make oh me. ah you! you won't help not in that way life will have its way
murmur like your body surrounding me the trickle of your words resonating deep within the feel of your breath a sequence of sparks throughout my skin the sweat glazing like a dew the nakedness of me to you as you to me seem angelic i extend to claim your chalice
yellow highlighter don't let me down in neon you illuminate bright lines of importance right and wrong you don't differentiate but you do, don't you your toxins display my best and worse with indifference you operate so yellow highlighter what are you on this day motivator or depressant go on- illuminate
have you ever had the feeling no one wants to talk? not in general but just to you like the friends you thought that you might have decide that it would be best to wholly abstain from contact with you in any form and from giving you the satisfaction of the form oh my they can be so kind i only wish i could survive alone
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
pride? like how proud you said you were of me? fighting stunned closed falling running I wish you could see me now I'll show you someone with real pride to have to hold be forever mine not once did I betray the vow the pride with which you sold your soul to that work I can't believe you'll be there tonight I never once took another into my lie
that would be nice- to have thoughts spray like water droplets onto the page as if a sprinkler glazed the lines with blotches of black ink you think? have I yet lost myself to the light or reflective displays on windows and white panes? an hour of my life I have spent today doing nothing but staring at this page
No quiero amigos ¿I don't want friends? is that what you meant? that you didn't mean a word or that you'd rather be alone I've spent those days before in times when I am you, and you are blue with swirling thoughts and life unclaimed tearing holes inside of you pretentious sects only pretend in times when goals to help obtain what I said is not quite true quiero tener amigos, but just not you
sometimes you are just in the mood to empathize as if everything in the world is speaking to you like the still bird on the sidewalk of our ironclad words the earth is softly breathing in our hearts soul has been known throughout our lands if our eyes are just white elephants in thought what is it in heart we are to ignite?
Sunday, September 7, 2008
woah woh oh if that's how it's spelled the sound of joy before the mix of trippy beats what happened- it's cool. relax. this jack spread its groove across you to omaha we reached out to the floor wild in youth we dance in nude not of clothes but pretenses that's how I met you
that's why i'm upset not that there isn't anyone around not that the music isn't my style not that the fort isn't a fort not that the dance isn't but that that they snuck off for fun fun of the darker color you hold it in a cup you end up with a cop
i'm disappointed by their need to be forgotten forget themselves forget each other hey why not forget forever? because my poison is my own choice my need to be pushed to a stupor is required if i didn't what is it i'd be? the id is inside me the ego is about me if i move furtively then i can find sleep
it isn't that I don't miss you I do it's true i miss your smile and that ferocious glare the way you go wild and hold it all in your directed lack of direction towards nothing we climb to everything i need that too not just you so why don't i communicate i don't want to miss my chance to find it here too
californian music mixed with good ole fashioned farm values and a need to be accepted a suspected homosexual mixed together with the man that just got play and don't forget the socially awkward hoping college means a new chance at friendship where do you stand in the mix of misfits how do you collide without the danger of collision
it's that reserved nature- controlled and calibrating is it that he knows he doesn't need anyone? he traveled across the land for a purpose his purpose lies unknown, but he feels it pulling at him keeping him from wild loose lost in adolescence ready to scream party exert himself physically musically he combines himself into what one would say a man sure he has a place and right
I haven't had time to assess this situation. my head swirls with thoughts of people and places while I am caught up in a tempest of fresh faces...and unknown facets of life- guys constantly looking for lust boys finding drunken ramblings better for them to forget that they can be caught MIP: my insecure person cannot bear to bare itself to anyone else
you're not a poet if you can't say it "say it?" "yeah" "what" "poet" do it do it with words bristling the tip of ya tongue with hearts blazing from thoughts yet formed do it for yourself to let the world see you do it for the world to let the people hear you "see you" "hear you" listen
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
Friday, August 15, 2008
here is a bit of practice writing i don't feel like editing or formatting. i'm giving it to you exactly the way it came out on paper just write. for lets say 15 minutes I will just write. the night was magic. so calm and dull but unbelievably wild. this air we breathe is blessed for you and me. the reds and purples mixed in with yellows and for a moment nothing else mattered. except for the shooting star we sat and watched. when i wished for love you looked enthralled by pinpricks of light billions of years off. in their reflection i grasper you eyes. except for the kiss we shared under that shooting star. it was short- a burst of love. it was just what i wished for and then i got more. i got a sunrise over the lake house where we first made love. i got a child with your hazel eyes. one day he'll look into a lover's eyes and see the stars in the sky. we are young but the day is new. one day i might spend a day with you. with you as a lake under the sky's beating rays. my skin sticky with sweat i suggest a swim. we don't mind the time we strip and jump. the water is cool unlike your touch. right now we're innocent listening to the birds cheerfully chirp. will our love change when we know more than just youth? will we still watch clouds under pale blue dkies? will we still lock eyes and know each others love?
Friday, August 8, 2008
I woke up to the sound of rain Its cry never ceases to amaze In its drumming I lose my pain Like the opaque sheets create a haze Of course the faze can't fully drain The well of angst found within this craze As my feelings turn to downpour and the signs point to lightning I find myself seeking rainbows in my need to leave God's grace
if you love me tear me down with such force i break the ground if you love me throw me out leave me lonely by myself if you love me cuss a storm with such rage you make me cry if you love me trash my name leave me friendless with your vice and if you hate me you'll never call to tell me it was all because you love do you love me do you hate me *both*
Sunday, July 20, 2008
I want to show you that I'm sad. Because I looked into her hazel eyes as she cried; it was her saying goodbye. Goodbye after a day where all we did was play. Goodbye to the week of dinner and movies. Goodbye to the month of slow walks down long shores. Goodbye to a year of love in every form. She looked into my eyes and cried. I longed to hold her but she said "Good-bye."
One plus one equals me and you in the nude. Or is it a cow flying over the moon? I get confused when you refuse the sounds of a piano or this great muse. If lime is green and you are seen- does that make me feel? Your hair is eighty-two. Not in physical appearance, but because your soul resembles a raisin. Adios! the rain died.
Friday, July 11, 2008
on this starlit summer night I'm struck with one beautiful sight her body soft touchable supple the skin creamy a perfect white her hair the beach and sand gently flowing in this ocean breeze, she was serene standing bare a glazed stare all her hope lying in that wishing star as my love grew in her fleeting glow
Thursday, July 10, 2008
I'm a brilliant red; fascinating really. You see her? a vibrant yellow I'd say. And him, a deep purple. But us together, you and me, we make music as our lives collide. In stunning color our love makes light; chemistry is visible and the passion palpable. I want you and you want me. Let our bodies entwine upon this night.