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Thursday, October 30, 2008

i want to feel at least something cuz then i know that i'm not nothing but now i don't i cannot feel my mind is empty my heart knows nothing

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

there is more to him than i can see not that i can't see the pictures are crystal quality but my mind is empty the feel of prospective clothes or the racks-what did the racks look like? only my heartbeat is clear an eager patter quickening in my chest my lungs are short of breath in its earnest rhythm it seeks the warmth that surges steadily if only i could die no person could I know
the spectators only watched as we did real work charged and pulled together into one another the elemental reaction forced us to separate i to it and it to you precipitate?
he cried before my eyes then later he apologized why wouldn't he tell me and why was there shame his pain is nothing of which to be ashamed i tried to tell him; i tried to show that crying is strength and sharing is brave i was honored
i think that was the last thing i wrote that he cried before my eyes then later he apologized and suddenly they all disappeared with hallways vacant and the mall cleared and Tim and I spent the night with paper clip bows to stage a fight and then he too went away with just the washers to keep my ghosts away until I too left that place and nothing remained but that's okay a story place told by a story face
Hey! you didn't have to relate But you did, and I appreciate The simple way you gave me cake The dorky way- completely fake You made me smile, and I'll take Whatever it is to me you fate I'm happy just that you relate.
Es importante que yo tenga un amigo que me apoye en la vida. Do you understand me? I need someone to support me! But, as of now I'm doing well. I don't notice that it's missing, but like a tower made with Jenga one drop will make me flop.
i want to feel safe period, end of statement that's what I want no, what I need humans don't like surprises i don't enjoy the experience of stress so what is it i do? when emotions threaten to spill and depression is ready to fill where do i turn? to paper and pen or to a friend do i have a friend? a rock on which to lean in to which I can rant where can i claim a steady source for myself?
i cannot believe the stupidity what do I do? What could I have done? They are in a serious amount of trouble. Why would they? How could they? They could have stopped it. I should have stopped it. Did I really just witness that? Such a display of hot-headedness. Now I am stuck and now I am terrified. This is too much to worry over. I almost sought help. Maybe I should have spoken earlier. No, I know I should have. I don't know anything and yet I know all I know that this was wrong- I know I'm wrought with worry
a splotch of orange in a field of gray not just any gray cold and unfeeling hard stony faces slabs of dead rock make it only a world of gray the kind of gray that fills and flows the kind of fate that overbears the one burst of hope flutters away
no quiero estar en clase well it's true trust me, it isn't you it is this awful gloom created in this goddamn room and this ridiculous time a quarter to nine?! why am i here with you in that chair will this class improve or will rhetoric be moot
no quiero estar en clase well it's true. it isn't because of the class it is simply due to you you're mean you drama queen a theater woman of the highest degree your jokes antagonize me so I want to leave leave this place and get outa your face no more literature please at least no more english with you
a gloomy day for my dreary mood but that was yesterday today i plan to improve impose on you my enjoyment of spanish spanglish really. i ain't fluent fluid transfer of thoughts and emotions you're my best friend he is the closest thing here i get excited to say hi and with you i get by her i like. no really i like the way she smiles the way she moves those lively eyes make my body tremble shake! my world is collapsing test i can't take papers i don't make oh me. ah you! you won't help not in that way life will have its way
when i see you sitting there in that cushioned curved back chair such pain intensifies inside will you ever look- acknowledge me these shakes are emptying
I
have
the right
to be annoyed
with silly rules
and irrelevant topics
who said I need relationships
at least the ones you say
if I have these kinds of issues
I'll let you know and I will change
I it we us gone time leave my bye
just stand up admit to what you've done and when you're done be proud you are who you have become
something to make him feel better that would be grand did you see him just there- stand ing gently in the mirror i saw a man more like a god and a heart more like a child vulnerable in the greatest fashion he held it in, but i saw the tear
no puedo te ayudo no puedo te siento no puedo te soy y cuando te quiero tĂș no puedes me amas

murmur

murmur like your body surrounding me the trickle of your words resonating deep within the feel of your breath a sequence of sparks throughout my skin the sweat glazing like a dew the nakedness of me to you as you to me seem angelic i extend to claim your chalice
I have a friend named Christine who is everything to me except she cannot be my love then where would I be
if I were to try, truly try would I let you down? why didn't you help me? I gave it my all I tried to stay alive but you just let me die
so calm i folded towels for two hours do you notice something? besides my heart you prude i think we are missing is it just me or is it eerily quiet what happened to my music?

yellow highlighter

yellow highlighter don't let me down in neon you illuminate bright lines of importance right and wrong you don't differentiate but you do, don't you your toxins display my best and worse with indifference you operate so yellow highlighter what are you on this day motivator or depressant go on- illuminate
have you ever had the feeling no one wants to talk? not in general but just to you like the friends you thought that you might have decide that it would be best to wholly abstain from contact with you in any form and from giving you the satisfaction of the form oh my they can be so kind i only wish i could survive alone
i woke up to the sound of rain never again to feel the pain as ghostly shells of the past i move beyond your haunting grasp

i love that smile

i love that smile... when he came and stood in my doorm doorway, he grinned wide and waved hi- i knew i met something grand
i love the power that racing feeling that comes from knowing every feeling and with each thought and every heartbeat i move closer to all by releasing my all emotions make poetry i guide the hand and when the two combine my body is ecstasy