Friday, June 18, 2010

Feeling Scared

When I get home
I need to be alone.

Something's off
and it's pretty clear
that alone won't be enough,
not to fight this fear.

Yesterday I told a secret
and now I have to live with regret,
not of the telling
but solely of the waiting.

Bill's in another land
and my letter is in his hand.
What did he think?
Did he read? Will my heart sink?

My soul knows something's aloof,
but it can't quite find proof.
My mind says use logic,
but then I would not be neurotic.

So fear is what I live with,
knowing I won't be normal this year.
But, bi-polar is good enough
to stay near to in the clear.

Thursday, June 17, 2010


Patient must have five of the following:

1 ) Frantic efforts to avoid abandonment.

Like last night, my greatest fear.
I thought your betrayal of trust
would last forever. How could I hold on
with all that fear going on?

2 ) Unstable relationships alternating between idealization and devaluation.

You're perfect,
the best friend I've had.
You listen, you like me.
You even enjoy my company.
But, you never text,
and you've never called.
I always go to visit you.
You're busy, busier than me.
Everyone needs you, so you don't need me.

3 ) Unstable self-image or sense of self.

Who am I?

A social chameleon.

For every situation I'm the proper Patrick.
Oh, he's so kind.
He's so extroverted, so gregarious.
He's so easy to talk to.
He's shy, emo.
He's happy.
He's depressed.

Who the hell am I?

4 ) Self-damaging impulsivity.

Like the time I ran Tim's box
cutter up and down my wrist,
feeling the cool metal
but never piercing skin.

5 ) Recurrent suicidal or self-mutilating behavior.

My favorite.
I spent a year wanting to die.
Hi, Mom and Dad,
glad you could make it to my
I'm suicidal chat.
We'll call it Kevin's intervention...

6 ) Emotional instability.

This looks like bi-polar...
guess what I am.

7 ) Chronic feelings of emptiness.

Like how I am worthless.

Anusia called me on the
phone and told me I'm great,
that I'm important,
but I'm not.
What have I done?
What makes me special?
I'm just weird.

8 ) Inappropriate, intense anger.

I'm sorry I got mad and left
the room. I took a shower
to cool down, chilling my body
and soul. You deserve better.

9 ) Transient paranoia or dissociation symptoms.

I used to think I could
foretell the future.
I experience deja vu
so frequently that it must
be real. I must have dreamt
this, right?


Well that makes nine.
I'm right in between.
Borderline: the imaginary
state between neurosis and psychosis...
aka being fucked up.

Monday, June 14, 2010

There are stories choking my heart.

Her story begins with
acid wash jeans
and closed fist beatings,
midnight screams
and vague notions of nothings.

His story is full of
healing scars
and tattooed feelings,
ancient poems
and feeling alone.

She's all about looking good-
high-end fashion
and men with passion,
attention to detail
and half-price retail.

He's in love with drugs-
cheap thrills
and easy girls,
fast highs
whatever the price.

I'm in love with them,
her bright blue eyes
and "Love" tattooed across his wrist.
Her determined gait,
and the way his fingers jitter.

I'm in love with them,
but she's and empty shell,
and he's forgotten how to love;
she just wants lust
and he can never sit still.

I'm in love with them,
but they don't love me.

I'm in love with them,
and their stories choke me.