Feeling Scared

When I get home

I need to be alone.

Something's off

and it's pretty clear

that alone won't be enough,

not to fight this fear.

Yesterday I told a secret

and now I have to live with regret,

not of the telling

but solely of the waiting.

Bill's in another land

and my letter is in his hand.

What did he think?

Did he read? Will my heart sink?

My soul knows something's aloof,

but it can't quite find proof.

My mind says use logic,

but then I would not be neurotic.

So fear is what I live with,

knowing I won't be normal this year.

But, bi-polar is good enough

to stay near to in the clear.

Borderline

Patient must have five of the following:

1 ) Frantic efforts to avoid abandonment.

Like last night, my greatest fear.

I thought your betrayal of trust

would last forever. How could I hold on

with all that fear going on?

2 ) Unstable relationships alternating between idealization and devaluation.

You're perfect,

the best friend I've had.

You listen, you like me.

You even enjoy my company.

But, you never text,

and you've never called.

I always go to visit you.

You're busy, busier than me.

Everyone needs you, so you don't need me.

3 ) Unstable self-image or sense of self.

Who am I?

A social chameleon.

For every situation I'm the proper Patrick.

Oh, he's so kind.

He's so extroverted, so gregarious.

He's so easy to talk to.

He's shy, emo.

He's happy.

He's depressed.

Who the hell am I?

4 ) Self-damaging impulsivity.

Like the time I ran Tim's box

cutter up and down my wrist,

feeling the cool metal

but never piercing skin.

5 ) Recurrent suicidal or self-mutilating behavior.

My favorite.

I spent a year wanting to die.

Hi, Mom and Dad,

glad you could make it to my

I'm suicidal chat.

We'll call it Kevin's intervention...

jackass.

6 ) Emotional instability.

This looks like bi-polar...

guess what I am.

7 ) Chronic feelings of emptiness.

Like how I am worthless.

Anusia called me on the

phone and told me I'm great,

that I'm important,

but I'm not.

What have I done?

What makes me special?

Nothing.

I'm just weird.

8 ) Inappropriate, intense anger.

I'm sorry I got mad and left

the room. I took a shower

to cool down, chilling my body

and soul. You deserve better.

9 ) Transient paranoia or dissociation symptoms.

I used to think I could

foretell the future.

I experience deja vu

so frequently that it must

be real. I must have dreamt

this, right?

****

Well that makes nine.

I'm right in between.

Borderline: the imaginary

state between neurosis and psychosis...

aka being fucked up.

There are stories choking my heart.

Her story begins with

acid wash jeans

and closed fist beatings,

midnight screams

and vague notions of nothings.

His story is full of

healing scars

and tattooed feelings,

ancient poems

and feeling alone.

She's all about looking good-

high-end fashion

and men with passion,

attention to detail

and half-price retail.

He's in love with drugs-

cheap thrills

and easy girls,

fast highs

whatever the price.

I'm in love with them,

her bright blue eyes

and "Love" tattooed across his wrist.

Her determined gait,

and the way his fingers jitter.

I'm in love with them,

but she's and empty shell,

and he's forgotten how to love;

she just wants lust

and he can never sit still.

I'm in love with them,

but they don't love me.

I'm in love with them,

and their stories choke me.