untitled 1-5-11

I want so much to feel right-- to be in love and have a purpose.
I want so much to feel right.
I want it to the depth of my core.
I want it like brittle bones want milk, like writers want words, like lovers want each other.
I want it so much that I'm rocking back and forth in my chair.
back to the undefined emotions and destructive mood swings.
forth to hope filled days and emotionless nights.
back to drugless parties and sober minds.
forth to round white tablets and oblong green pills.
back and forth I teeter totter on the edge of meaning.
I'm so close to finding myself that it's like I've already lost just when I've begun to win.