I don't pretend anymore.

an unedited and unfinished scene/story. no judging!

I don't pretend anymore.

The sun is setting on a warm autumn day and the breeze is coming from the northeast. My window is open. The gentle gusts start to cool the thin layer of sweat under my sweatshirt. It is too warm for the shirt, but I haven't done laundry in a while and I thought today might be colder than it is. The birds outside are as black as my high top Converse. Their song is a distraction from the blowing air of the vent- it stays on year round. I'm alone. School hasn't started yet and not everyone has moved in. My awareness of this is as strong as it was two months ago.

I was in Texas then, and the heat was unbearable. I didn't wear a shirt as I sat on the tire swing in Daniel's backyard. He was juggling a soccer ball with the skill I imagined  a clown to possess. It was my last day there. The red of a low hanging sun meant that the moment could be something significant. Daniel knew everything about me. That night we drank Jack from the bottle and ate chocolate covered cherries he soaked in Amaretto the day before. He knew everything about me in the way that when tears started to fall he did not do anything but move to sit on the swing beside me. There was a bird then too. It circled viscerally above us.

I wanted for Daniel to be Kathleen, or to be into me. I wanted physical contact in the way we had when she held my hand in fear.

Daniel dropped me off at the train station the next day. We said little. After he hugged me I stood by the tracks and let the breeze of the trains test my balance. Each blast of hot engine air brought a surge of tears. The consecutive blurs played like a mantra in my head. Tears. Alone. Real. Okay.

I reached into my bag to pull out the empty bottle of Jack. A smile crept up my face as my train pulled in.

The bottle is in my hand now. I'm opening it, but nothing seems to be different. Daniel's honesty taught me I do not need to pretend. I'm still alone. The sun has taken its rest behind the horizon and the blackbirds continue to sing. I continue to be sad. It seems that perhaps you cannot catch the wind.